Lost in a sea of hate

Well.. I don't know what to say. So many things are going through my head right now that they won't come out on paper very well. I really just want to pretend that I am sick and lay in my bed and cry. I wish God could reply to texts and tell me what to do and why I feel this way. I'm so lost. I can't give up but what choice is left...? This world is tearing me down into a million pieces. Picking at every little thing that is an imperfection. I'm weak and everyday I'm getting weaker mentally. I don't know what to do anymore.

Sara Symon

Well, I would say "Happy September!", but yesterday, September 1st, a Senior girl from BHS passed away from a car accident. Her name was Sara Symon and her favorite color was blue. I never got the chance to meet this amazing girl but from tweets like this one, Emma Kinsey- "She had a smile that went on for a thousand miles.. And that wasn't even a good day<3" Last night while I was on Twitter SO MANY people were tweeting about her and everything that made her perfect in her own way. In memory of her, mostly everyone at BHS wore blue today. We also gathered in the North Commons and listened to her parents speak to us, bible verses to help us get through the day, and pray as a huge family. All of these pictures were taking this morning before school. Its a sea of blue for Sara. This girl was loved by many who knew her and by many who didn't like me. She brought so many people to Christ in these past two days because people want to be certain where they are going after death. This is a great opportunity for me to share the Gospel with many people at our school. And Sara, if you are looking down on me, I just want you to know that you will always be loved for the wonderful girl you were down here. We know that you are doing great things up in Heaven as an angel for Christ. Everyone will see you at those gates when it is our time to go. BHS and everyone in NWA loves you and are praying for you and your family.

This is what they did for her parking spot at the high school. She will always be loved.

She also had just made it on Homecoming Court and everyone has already decided that she has won. So please, if you go to Bentonville, vote Sara Symon Homecoming Queen 2011 <3

ALSO PRAY FOR HER FAMILY AND FRIENDS WHO ARE GOING THROUGH A ROUGH TIME RIGHT NOW!

You care too much..

about the way you look. There are some embarrassing pictures of you online and you OF COURSE cannot have them on there because "blah blah blah" and "blah blah blah."

GET OVER IT!!! You are caring to much about what other people think and look of you if they see that. It doesn't matter anyways because it happened like 2 years ago. So no, I will not be persuaded to do something that isn't important.

Sorry for the little rampage.. Had to get my anger out somehow.

I wish I could say...

•  That I'm over you.

I had this HUGE crush on this guy all during junior high and then summer came around and I never saw him so I thought I was over him! Of course at Freshmen Orientation wherever I was he was too! I was with my mom that day so I didn't say hi or even really look at him because then she would ask all these questions like "Do you have a crush on him? Is he your boyfriend?" and more. So when he sent me a message on Facebook saying 'What's up cutie?', my heart melted. I ran to find my laptop and message him back before he got off. I'm always in a good mood whenever we talk to each other!
We talked for about 20 minutes and then I had to go to bed because I had church in the morning. I gave him a perfect situation for him to ask me for my number but he didn't. I'm so confused if he has my number or not. I mean he never asked for it before and he didn't the other night either...
Anyways! I should NOT like him. He has never shown a true interest in me! Well minus all the flirting that goes on! You could say he is my flirting buddy. I wonder if I constantly told myself that I was over him that it would soon happen..

• that I'm done crying.

I have another guy friend that in 6th grade we were bestfriends. Then came junior high. He had a different girl every two weeks and I was struggling to stay his best friend. I started to give up on staying his best friend and then I realized I couldn't because I really liked him like more than a friend. And now that we have gotten to high school he has dated some of my best friends and sometimes I wonder if he still thinks of me like he once did. You know those people who you just can't stay away from not because of a physical or emotional attraction but because it feels like you should be there for them? I have cried so much over this kid that I'm beginning to wonder if it's even worth it to keep the friendship. It kills me to say that but its becoming so true..

"I love you this big."

I think that song is the cutest thing ever! I wish some guy would sing that to me! Scotty is adorable also! I know one thing for sure, that if you don't like country music I can't date you. Sorry. And I certainly do NOT want you to pretend that you like it or try to impress me by talking about it. I will outsmart you. I write country music and listen to it constantly so it's pretty much my life.

Quick little post so I can get to bed! Have a good weekend! :)

Highschool.

Summer is all about waking up at 11 in the morning or even the next day. For athletes, especially ones at BHS, you are already done with practice by 11. You have probably been up for at least 4 hours. So you pretty much get screwed with summer. And next week starts my first year at the highschool. Lucky me that my sport (volleyball) has practice every morning, starting at 6:30 and 7:30 different days. I have no idea how I am going to be able to get up at 5:30 for most of the week. I can barely get up at 6:50 without taking a nap and thats just for babysitting!
Waking up early isn't the only thing I'm stressing about. I ended 8th grade with best friends that I could always count on and now we barely talk.. They say to find the "good in goodbye" but I still haven't found it. I mean I became closer with friends that I never thought would become my new friends to rely on. Going into a school with over 1,000 freshmen is intimitating enough but seeing those "strangers" that you used to be so close to and lost touch over the summer is even scarier. Especially knowing that they moved on and made new friends while you waited for the friendship to fix itself. Sometimes I wonder "Am I not cool enough for them anymore?" "Am I the one who should have tried harder to save our friendship?" Is it all my fault?

I used to be able to trust everyone I met. I would tell them my secrets and believe that they would keep it. People are so manipulating nowadays though. I think I'm starting to have trust issues with everyone. I struggle everyday with trying to trust and rely on God to make everything okay. As of now, he seems to be the only person I can trust.

Oh I guess keeping up my grades and not looking like a complete idiot in front of everybody is also a stressful topic. I don't want to trip in front of my crush or even the cute boys! I also don't want to seem like I lost all knowledge I had over summer break even though it was barely over 60 days.

So many things could go wrong. And I wish I could say I have it all figured out for when it does happen but then I would be lying.

Two words. My mother.

My best friend and I are really close. We hang out a lot lately because for once we will be going to the same school. (which I am extremely excited about!) We are both really close with each other's family like I could go live with them and nothing would be different!  Her sister is four years older than us and she graduated this past year. She is going to her first year of college about 2-3 hours away so I was planning on going with their family to help her move in to the dorm.
I come home from a long day of volleyball, hanging out with friends, and saying goodbye to a friend before she leaves to go out of the country. I had a very up and down day so by the time I got home I really just wanted to go to bed. BUT no. My mother said I could not go help them move her in because I had volleyball practice. Missing one practice will not kill me and we are allowed to miss up to 2 practices per season.

She really has not let me do anything this summer unless it involves volleyball and church. It is VERY annoying. She should start to wonder why I ask my dad if I can do things because he is pretty chill and says yes most of the time. Unlike her. Her excuse for everything is "There will be another time, maybe next time." She has NO idea if there will be another time. Only God knows that!

I seriously think she is starting to go through menopause or something like that. She is like constantly cranky and is only excited to do stuff that makes HER happy, while my father and I must suffer through this horrible time period. I really could use prayers for this situation that it ends quickly and quietly.

Goodnight fellow bloggers! :)